The other day I was driving home from work, and I had a moment that I feel was noteworthy. I was on 2-15, in a decent mood, with nothing in particular on my mind. I was listening to X96, and a U2 song came on the radio. What happened requires a bit of backstory.
My sister got married to a guy named Randall Parr when she was 19. Long story short, their marriage ended in divorce after Randy had an affair with a mutal friend of theirs. This was years ago. The divorce was fairly amicable, but once the separation was final, Randy was no longer a figure in any of our lives.
This fact remained until, I think, last summer. I was at work when my sister (Taylor) sent me a text telling me that Randy had committed suicide in his apartment, not far from where I live now. I was absolutely devistated. There are a lot of reasons for this, but mainly I felt an intense sadness for whatever state of mind could have driven him to end his life like that. A graveside service (read: a meager funeral) was held, which I attended with my mother and sister. I cried like a fool. I'm okay with that, because I think he deserved all the kindness that was present for him that day. There was a lot. I even spoke at the funeral, something I'd never done before. Between sobs, I introduced myself, and explained that we never really bore Randy much ill will. I said that he was good, and that we would all miss him. I meant every word, and would have beeen longer and more eloquent had I not been crying so much. He hurt my sister, yes, but he did not deserve his fate. I was sweating like a pig in my suit, sobbing nigh uncontrollably, trying to say something to the people gathered in his honor that might do him justice. I broke my own heart. The memory makes me cry to this day. I'm glad I did it though.
The intensity of my sadness is enhanced by the thought that maybe I could have helped him. Maybe I could have told him that we didn't hate him, and that could have given him peace to move past whatever pain he felt. We don't really know why he would have killed himself, or if it even had anything to do with the aftermath of the divorce. The wondering is the curse of survivors of a suicide victim. During the years that I knew Randy, there are a few things that stood out about him as a person. He was unfalteringly sarcastic, and always scheming to make a joke. I was always fond of these parts of him. One other keystone of his personality revolved around his dedication to the work of U2. He loved the band. If his family had been at all sentimental, they might have played something at his funeral.
When the U2 song came on the radio, I immediately thought of Randy. It was a new track, and it occurred to me that it was a shame he couldn't be around to enjoy it. I have a pretty loose concept of the afterlife, but I feel that there's a possibility that we can share thoughts and experiences with the dead. Sort of like talking to somebody through a one way window. I wanted to share that song with Randy, so I turned the radio up, and cried until the song was over. It was a beautiful feeling. I hope Randy enjoyed the experience as well.
I almost forgot to point out a bit of irony. Part of the chorus said "Only love can leave such a scar."
I hope he has found peace in his rest. He deserved it.
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