A moment of tribute.

The other day I was driving home from work, and I had a moment that I feel was noteworthy. I was on 2-15, in a decent mood, with nothing in particular on my mind. I was listening to X96, and a U2 song came on the radio. What happened requires a bit of backstory.

My sister got married to a guy named Randall Parr when she was 19. Long story short, their marriage ended in divorce after Randy had an affair with a mutal friend of theirs. This was years ago. The divorce was fairly amicable, but once the separation was final, Randy was no longer a figure in any of our lives.

This fact remained until, I think, last summer. I was at work when my sister (Taylor) sent me a text telling me that Randy had committed suicide in his apartment, not far from where I live now. I was absolutely devistated. There are a lot of reasons for this, but mainly I felt an intense sadness for whatever state of mind could have driven him to end his life like that. A graveside service (read: a meager funeral) was held, which I attended with my mother and sister. I cried like a fool. I'm okay with that, because I think he deserved all the kindness that was present for him that day. There was a lot. I even spoke at the funeral, something I'd never done before. Between sobs, I introduced myself, and explained that we never really bore Randy much ill will. I said that he was good, and that we would all miss him. I meant every word, and would have beeen longer and more eloquent had I not been crying so much. He hurt my sister, yes, but he did not deserve his fate. I was sweating like a pig in my suit, sobbing nigh uncontrollably, trying to say something to the people gathered in his honor that might do him justice. I broke my own heart. The memory makes me cry to this day. I'm glad I did it though.

The intensity of my sadness is enhanced by the thought that maybe I could have helped him. Maybe I could have told him that we didn't hate him, and that could have given him peace to move past whatever pain he felt. We don't really know why he would have killed himself, or if it even had anything to do with the aftermath of the divorce. The wondering is the curse of survivors of a suicide victim. During the years that I knew Randy, there are a few things that stood out about him as a person. He was unfalteringly sarcastic, and always scheming to make a joke. I was always fond of these parts of him. One other keystone of his personality revolved around his dedication to the work of U2. He loved the band. If his family had been at all sentimental, they might have played something at his funeral.

When the U2 song came on the radio, I immediately thought of Randy. It was a new track, and it occurred to me that it was a shame he couldn't be around to enjoy it. I have a pretty loose concept of the afterlife, but I feel that there's a possibility that we can share thoughts and experiences with the dead. Sort of like talking to somebody through a one way window. I wanted to share that song with Randy, so I turned the radio up, and cried until the song was over. It was a beautiful feeling. I hope Randy enjoyed the experience as well.

I almost forgot to point out a bit of irony. Part of the chorus said "Only love can leave such a scar."

I hope he has found peace in his rest. He deserved it.

Just made it worse

/highfive.

Borderline

I'm bored and confused. Being bored is unrelated to this post, I just thought I'd throw it in there, since these are supposed to be about my feelings. I'm confused because I'm not sure if I'm ready to start dating again. Why do I have to be hung up on things still? I am, and I don't know if I'm just having a bad day or what. I might need to give myself some time, but now I have somebody I'll have to explain that to. Hearts frustrate me.

Revelation!

It just occurred to me that I don't spend much time thinking about my eternal soul. Or worrying about it. Or even being concerned about it. Hmm.

Investigation

I just finished a book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, and I need something new. I have been pondering reading the Book of Mormon. I feel that reading it is something a person who claims to "have no taste for religion" should do. Unjustified aversions have never suited me. Hmm. Perhaps.

We should all ignore the irony in the sequence of books I'm reading here.

Insert cheesy cliche about new beginnings here [ ]

I'm blogging because I'm a writer, and this is what we're supposed to do. This place could be a fabulous outlet for my brain, and I'm not quite sure why I haven't utilized it. I guess I dont think people will read it. Perhaps they will if I talk about my crazy exciting life! Lawl.

Tonight is the second Friday the thirteenth in two months. I don't have any superstitions with the date, but I think it must be extremely rare to have two of them in such close proximity to each other on the calendar. I'm text messaging a girl that left her number for me in the drive through at work. She said she's actively LDS, so we'll have to see where this goes...

Having being dumped by Katie for being "headed in a different direction" than her, I definitely have my guard up. I am keeping an open mind, because not every person you date is supposed to be you soul-mate, or whatever lame-ass term you want to use. I let this girl know that I do, in fact, engage in moderate alcohol consumption, swearing, and that I'm not active in the LDS church. She's still talking to me, so that's good.

I've spent a good deal of time being lonely lately, and I'm going to make a conscious effort to not be needy or insta-boyfriend ish. To be honest, I'm not in a big rush to get into a relationship again. That said, it would be nice to have a semi-non platonic girl to spend some time with. Perhaps this is a start. If its not, thats okay. Its still extremely flattering to have a girl give me her phone number, without any provocation. Score one for Colin.